Ruminations and recipes from a small kitchen in a big city.

20.11.15

The Beer Pitch (Part Two).

IN PART ONE, CREATIVE DIRECTOR JUSTIN IS PRESENTING A BEER CAMPAIGN TO BREWERY CLIENT EUGENE IONESCO (SIC). PLEASANTRIES OUT OF THE WAY, EUGENE ASKS FOR A COFFEE BEFORE GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS. NOW READ ON.

JUNE, THE LAST REMAINING TEA LADY IN THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY, CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A TROLLEY LOAD OF COFFEE CUPS. SHE SAYS NOTHING BUT PLONKS A LOADED TRAY ON THE BOARDROOM TABLE AND WADDLES OUT AGAIN, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

EUGENE: I see June's in her usual high spirits today.

JUSTIN: Every time there's a pitch on she gets more stressed than anyone else in the entire agency because it throws her routine out. A presentation with sixty million dollars in the balance, and June's grumpy about ten extra cups to wash up. Plus, I figure she's lost us several new accounts just by spilling coffee on the MD or being rude to the head of marketing.

EUGENE: Yes, well as clients we do factor in the quality of service at a potential agency. That's only natural. And have you ever seen an ugly advertising agency receptionist?

JUSTIN (FROWNS): Tut, tut, Eugene. At the end of the day the quality of creative work is all that counts, and I'm sure you know it.

EUGENE: In this agency I'm not sure sometimes. All right, get on with it.

JUSTIN (FROWNING AT THE INSULT) PULLS OUT SOME STORYBOARDS. HE STARTS PRESENTING THE IDEAS.

JUSTIN: Eugene, we've had some great new teams on this account and they've worked their butts off to come up with some really cracking ideas. We've developed a number of angles and I'm sure there's something here that you'll really love. The key driver is to take your beer brand - Six White Unicorns - forward and give it a real sense of presence in the marketplace, a compelling purchase incentive and a unique identity that says This is the beer of choice for today's drinker.

EUGENE: I'll be the judge of that, Justin. Could you stop talking shit and just show me the ideas?

JUSTIN (AFTER A SLIGHT PAUSE IN WHICH HE REMEMBERS IT'S A MILLION DOLLAR ACCOUNT): Well Eugene, the first idea trades on the fact that beer drinkers drink beer for one reason only.

EUGENE: And what would that be, Justin?

JUSTIN: To get drunk, Eugene.

EUGENE: What about taste, Justin?

JUSTIN: Nope.

EUGENE: What about image?

JUSTIN: Nope.

EUGENE: Brand differentiation?

JUSTIN: Differentiation? You can't even say that after a few beers, Eugene.

EUGENE: What about brand loyalty?

JUSTIN: Get into the real world, Eugene. Have you ever been to a party where the beer runs out? People don't start banging on about brand loyalty or 'differentiation'. They start drinking anything that isn't under lock and key; and after that they'll look for the key. People are disgusting. People will raid the host's drinks cabinet and start hauling out old half-empty bottles of tawny port or cheap Scotch; or they'll rip tops off their host's collection of Century test cricket cans of VB and drink them warm. Just to be drinking anything. Brand attributes? The container might have brand attributes, but inside the can, it's just beer.

LONG PAUSE

EUGENE: Then why do we need to advertise at all, Justin?

JUSTIN: It's like hardware store advertising, Eugene. Suddenly it's spring cleaning time and someone sees a can of paint in a Bunnings TV commercial, and they rush straight out to their nearest hardware store, which happens to be Mitre 10 or Masters or that one with the dog logo, and they buy it there.

EUGENE: Exactly what is this leading up to, Justin?

JUSTIN (INDICATES THE SCREEN AT ONE END OF THE TABLE): To this, Eugene.

HE HITS A BUTTON AND AN ANIMATIC STARTS PLAYING ON THE SCREEN.

The animatic (an illustrated and partially animated film of what the television commercial will eventually look like - if commissioned) shows three blindfolded men seated at a table as if about to take a blind taste test. In front of them are three cans each of three brands of beer: VB, Pure Blonde, and Cooper's Dry.

VOICEOVER: The blind taste test is a tired old cliche, so for our beer test, we decided to throw away the blinds. Gentlemen, remove your scarves.

THE MEN REMOVE THEIR SCARVES. EACH GRABS A BEER WITH ALACRITY AND A BIG SMILE ON THEIR FACE. RATHER THAN TASTE THEM CAREFULLY, THEY DRINK THEM STRAIGHT DOWN. USING A STOP-MOTION DELAY EFFECT, WE SEE THEM DRAIN, IN UNISON, ONE EACH OF THE THREE BEERS - WITHOUT TAKING ANY NOTICE OF THE BRAND.

VOICEOVER: So gentlemen, what's the best beer?

ALL IN UNISON:
The next one!

CUT TO GRAPHIC WITH IMAGE OF BEER LABEL:
Six White Unicorns. Australia's next beer.

DEAD SILENCE FALLS ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL JUNE CRASHES IN AGAIN WITH THE TROLLEY.

JUNE: Are you finished yet? I've got another meeting to prepare for.

2 comments:

Melbourne Girl said...

I'm enjoying this...

Dr. Alice said...

I sense issues.
Very funny read. I actually took a marketing class in college and loved it, but I don't think I could have gone into the advertising field. Your series explains why.