IN PART ONE, ADVERTISING AGENCY BLAKE BROWNING BURNS HAS BROUGHT IN RETAIL ADVERTISING EXPERT CLYDE P. ULSTER TO LAND A PRESTIGE RETAIL CLIENT. CLYDE HAS BRIEFED THE AGENCY ON THE HISTORY OF RETAIL ADVERTISING AND THE STAFF ARE AGOG, EXPECTING AN ANNOUNCEMENT ANY DAY.
LOUDSPEAKER: Attention please, would everyone proceed to the boardroom immediately for an important agency announcement from Wayne. Wayne is flying interstate shortly so would you please move to the boardroom swiftly for this meeting. Thanks.
TEN MINUTES LATER, STAFF ARE STILL WANDERING LIKE LOST SHEEP INTO THE BOARDROOM. FINALLY, EVERYONE IS THERE AND WAYNE (AGENCY MD) ENTERS, ACCOMPANIED BY CLYDE. P. ULSTER, WHO LOOKS EXTRA PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.
WAYNE (DOES SARCASM WITH A STRAIGHT FACE): Thanks everyone for being so prompt. I love the way you all jump to attention when the need arises.
I have a great announcement to make today. Clyde here (LOOKS AT CLYDE) has worked his arse off for several months on a very important project for this agency. He has dedicated himself day and night to win us a piece of business so important, it will propel us to number one position in the advertising industry in this city, this State, and in fact, in this nation.
PAUSE. WAYNE LOOKS AROUND.
And now I will leave it to Clyde to reveal to you the identity of this prestigious retail account; a piece of business that will give you opportunities you only dreamed about when we had Kmart. Or Autobarn. Or the Good Guys.
Over to you, Clyde.
CLYDE: Thanks Wayne. That was a very nice introduction. Thank you. And I'm sure Kmart wasn't that bad.
SLIGHT PAUSE AS JUNE THE TEALADY CRASHES HER TROLLEY THROUGH THE DOORS
JUNE: I've got a client coming in at ten o'clock and I've got to set up so can you get this meeting over with?
CLYDE: Won't be a minute, June. I am sure all of you understand the traditional glow of pleasure that occurs in working on a prestige retail account. Retail was in fact the very origin of advertising, going back to the magnificent high-class fashion illustrations in the prestige broadsheets, and the glossy department store catalogues of the early twentieth century. In the USA and Europe, the grand old retail houses competed for the best illustrators, copywriters and photographers to create advertisements to attract the rich and wealthy.
LOU (PRINT BUYER) ALMOST UNDER HIS BREATH BUT NOT QUITE: Cut the bullshit and get on with the announcement, you fat tosser. And what's the difference between rich and wealthy, anyway?
CLYDE: What was that? All right, let's move on. With that background, we carry on a proud tradition with the arrival at this agency of a great name in the retail business:
HE PRESSES A BUTTON TO BRING UP A LOGO UP ON THE BIG SCREEN. IT IS OUT OF FOCUS BUT ALL EYES IN THE ROOM CAN MAKE OUT:
CRIME CONVERTERS
A SHOCKED SILENCE FALLS ON THE ROOM. NO-ONE SAYS A THING FOR FIVE SECONDS; AND THEN MUFFLED COMMENTS BREAK OUT TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
GEORGINA (MAC OPERATOR): You've gotta be kidding. I was expecting David Jones, at least.
PAUL (PRODUCTION GUY): If Crime Converters is a prestige retail account then I'm Prince Charles and Pope Benedict rolled into one.
GEORGINA: He's dead.
PAUL: My point exactly, Georgina.
JUNE (CRASHES HER TROLLEY AGAINST THE BOARDROOM TABLE; YOU WOULD THINK SHE WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE): Come on, everyone out. The next client's waiting in reception. SHE PLONKS A TRAY OF GLASSES ON THE TABLE
DECLAN (COPYWRITER): How's your CV looking, Jess?
JESS (ART DIRECTOR): Suddenly a lot better, Dec. Six months of photocopying bar charts and he comes up with Crime Converters. Christ.
CLYDE (BEAMING): I'm sure you're all well and truly looking forward to starting work on this great new piece of business! (HE LOOKS AROUND IN VAIN) There will be a brief arriving next week; but the really good news is that, this Thursday, we will be taking the entire agency on a field trip ... to visit the Crime Converters head office!
I'll see you all in Frankston at 8am on Thursday morning.
HE SHUTS UP HIS LAPTOP AND WALKS OUT
JUNE: I won't be going. I'm far too busy.
LOUDSPEAKER: Attention please, would everyone proceed to the boardroom immediately for an important agency announcement from Wayne. Wayne is flying interstate shortly so would you please move to the boardroom swiftly for this meeting. Thanks.
TEN MINUTES LATER, STAFF ARE STILL WANDERING LIKE LOST SHEEP INTO THE BOARDROOM. FINALLY, EVERYONE IS THERE AND WAYNE (AGENCY MD) ENTERS, ACCOMPANIED BY CLYDE. P. ULSTER, WHO LOOKS EXTRA PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.
WAYNE (DOES SARCASM WITH A STRAIGHT FACE): Thanks everyone for being so prompt. I love the way you all jump to attention when the need arises.
I have a great announcement to make today. Clyde here (LOOKS AT CLYDE) has worked his arse off for several months on a very important project for this agency. He has dedicated himself day and night to win us a piece of business so important, it will propel us to number one position in the advertising industry in this city, this State, and in fact, in this nation.
PAUSE. WAYNE LOOKS AROUND.
And now I will leave it to Clyde to reveal to you the identity of this prestigious retail account; a piece of business that will give you opportunities you only dreamed about when we had Kmart. Or Autobarn. Or the Good Guys.
Over to you, Clyde.
CLYDE: Thanks Wayne. That was a very nice introduction. Thank you. And I'm sure Kmart wasn't that bad.
SLIGHT PAUSE AS JUNE THE TEALADY CRASHES HER TROLLEY THROUGH THE DOORS
JUNE: I've got a client coming in at ten o'clock and I've got to set up so can you get this meeting over with?
CLYDE: Won't be a minute, June. I am sure all of you understand the traditional glow of pleasure that occurs in working on a prestige retail account. Retail was in fact the very origin of advertising, going back to the magnificent high-class fashion illustrations in the prestige broadsheets, and the glossy department store catalogues of the early twentieth century. In the USA and Europe, the grand old retail houses competed for the best illustrators, copywriters and photographers to create advertisements to attract the rich and wealthy.
LOU (PRINT BUYER) ALMOST UNDER HIS BREATH BUT NOT QUITE: Cut the bullshit and get on with the announcement, you fat tosser. And what's the difference between rich and wealthy, anyway?
CLYDE: What was that? All right, let's move on. With that background, we carry on a proud tradition with the arrival at this agency of a great name in the retail business:
HE PRESSES A BUTTON TO BRING UP A LOGO UP ON THE BIG SCREEN. IT IS OUT OF FOCUS BUT ALL EYES IN THE ROOM CAN MAKE OUT:
CRIME CONVERTERS
A SHOCKED SILENCE FALLS ON THE ROOM. NO-ONE SAYS A THING FOR FIVE SECONDS; AND THEN MUFFLED COMMENTS BREAK OUT TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
GEORGINA (MAC OPERATOR): You've gotta be kidding. I was expecting David Jones, at least.
PAUL (PRODUCTION GUY): If Crime Converters is a prestige retail account then I'm Prince Charles and Pope Benedict rolled into one.
GEORGINA: He's dead.
PAUL: My point exactly, Georgina.
JUNE (CRASHES HER TROLLEY AGAINST THE BOARDROOM TABLE; YOU WOULD THINK SHE WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE): Come on, everyone out. The next client's waiting in reception. SHE PLONKS A TRAY OF GLASSES ON THE TABLE
DECLAN (COPYWRITER): How's your CV looking, Jess?
JESS (ART DIRECTOR): Suddenly a lot better, Dec. Six months of photocopying bar charts and he comes up with Crime Converters. Christ.
CLYDE (BEAMING): I'm sure you're all well and truly looking forward to starting work on this great new piece of business! (HE LOOKS AROUND IN VAIN) There will be a brief arriving next week; but the really good news is that, this Thursday, we will be taking the entire agency on a field trip ... to visit the Crime Converters head office!
I'll see you all in Frankston at 8am on Thursday morning.
HE SHUTS UP HIS LAPTOP AND WALKS OUT
JUNE: I won't be going. I'm far too busy.
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