Warning: offensive language, sexist stereotypes, threatened violence and more. Section 18C would not survive a morning in a robust advertising agency. In a place like this, a 'trigger warning' is when you walk through the front door. The following story is true. Some names have been changed.
IT IS THE FRIDAY BEFORE THE MELBOURNE CUP. ACROSS THE CITY, THOUSANDS OF EMPLOYEES GALLOP TO THE MANAGING DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (OR IN THIS CASE, THE CREATIVE DIRECTOR'S PENTHOUSE-LIKE SPACE COMPLETE WITH LEATHER SOFAS AND TWO BRETT WHITELEYS) TO ASK FOR THE MONDAY OFF, MAKING IT A FOUR-DAY WEEKEND.
JASON IS THE CREATIVE DIRECTOR AT BLAKE, BROWNING, BURNS. WITH HIM IN HIS PALATIAL OFFICE ARE ART DIRECTOR ART (YES, ART. ART IS SHORT FOR ARTHUR. IF YOU ARE YOUNGER THAN FORTY YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS BECAUSE THERE HAVE BEEN NO ARTHURS BORN IN THE LAST THIRTY YEARS, EXCEPT THIS PARTICULAR ART, WHO IS 26) AND JAKE, A WRITER.
JASON: I'm not coming in Monday, so you guys will have to take the IronTown brief.
ART (MOCK OBSEQUIOUS): That's fine, Jase. We'll look after it. Have a great four-day weekend. You deserve it after all your great work this week.
(INSIDE, HE THINKS: 'FUCK YOU, JASON, YOU FAT LAZY PRICK, YOU DO THIS TO US EVERY SINGLE YEAR.')
JAKE: Yeah, enjoy your four-day weekend, Jason. Are you going to the Cup?
By the way, I thought Ziggy and Gram were taking the IronTown brief.
JASON: Yes, of course I'm going to the Cup. I'm in the TRV corporate marquee with Yasmiijn. And yes, Ziggy and Gram were to work on the IronTown campaign, but the COFF campaign for organic cocoa tofu has come back and Ziggy and Gram have to redo it.
ART: Oh, why?
JASON: The COFF* people rejected the concept. They thought an animated soy bean and coco bean going to bed together might offend their key demographic.
JAKE: What, don't self-obsessed vegan hippies who eat only non-genetically-modified wilting things grown on communes and picked under moonlight ever have sex?
JASON: I'm sure they do, Jake, although it would probably be better if they didn’t. Either way, you guys will have to do the campaign for IronTown's new range of roofing nails.
ART: Thanks, Jase. Ive always wanted to work on a roof nail account. And it's a shame about the bean idea. I loved the idea of beans having sex with each other and producing little choco-soy beans. It was sooooo cute. Reminded me of the that sixties song, 'Melting Pot'.
JASON: Don't be sarcastic, Art. And that was actually the intended soundtrack:
" ... keep it stirring for a hundred years or more ... turn out coffee coloured people by the score."
And Art, just be thankful you're not a roof tiler or you'd have to do a lot more than come up with a campaign for roofing nails; you'd have to get up on the fucking roof and nail them in yourself.
ART: Might be a lot less stressful than this business, Jase.
THE LOUDSPEAKER INTERRUPTS
Would everyone (crackle crackle) into the (inaudible crackle again) for the Melbourne Cup (crackle crackle).
JASON: That speaker has been playing up for more than a year. Incredible. We're producing billion dollar campaigns for multinational companies but we can't fix a speaker in our own roof. One day the building will burn down, and they won't be able to tell us to evacuate, and we'll all burn to death because of a single broken speaker needing one tradesman with a screwdriver to fix.
THEY ALL TROOP INTO THE BOARDROOM
TO BE CONTINUED
*Completely Organic Food Favourites Pty Ltd.